September 11, 2010

Movies I Hate: Legally Blonde & Pearl Harbor

I've been badly missing my pathetically modest posting target of once a month, so it's time yet again to break out the filler.

I have only one "Top Ten List" on Netflix, and it is titled Movies I Hate. The description reads, "Not just movies I strongly dislike. Movies I wouldn't piss on to put out a fire." Here are two more from that list. Enjoy.

Legally Blonde

0.5 out of 5 stars

96 minutes of my life. 96 minutes which I will never get back. 96 minutes gone forever. That's a debt I won't quickly forget, Robert Luketic. I honestly don't remember most of what happens because I think I slipped into a coma about twenty-five minutes in. Somehow we're supposed to empathize with the protagonist, a total ditz, because she's actually smart and thoughtful on the inside. Ha. Hahahaha. Yeah, good one. Some stuff happens, nobody cares, maybe some more stuff happens, I really don't know. All I know is that I suffered from recurring nosebleeds for two weeks afterward, and I am holding each and every member of the cast and crew personally responsible.

Pearl Harbor

0.5 out of 5 stars

Yeah. One of the most dramatic events of the past century, and we spend an hour watching a pilot hit on his dead buddy's girlfriend. This movie has everything: distortion of historical fact, subtly racist structure, mind-numbing romantic subplot, one-dimensional characters... what's not to like? It's like Top Gun without as much entertaining homoeroticism. It's like Titanic without a guy falling onto a giant propeller. It's like flicking the back of your leg in the same spot for two hours straight. Not incredibly painful, but don't you have something better to do with your time?