January 11, 2009

Movies I Hate: War of the Worlds & Gone in 60 Seconds

Hooray, filler! I only have one "Top Ten List" on Netflix, and it is titled Movies I Hate. Here are two of the members of that list. Enjoy.

War of the Worlds

0.5 out of 5 stars

Never before have I sat in a movie theater and actually wished that a scene would turn out to all just be a dream. But as I sat through the transcendentally bad denouement of this movie, I realized that if Tom Cruise woke up, and it was just a dream, and he was really dying of pneumonia, I would forgive everything this movie had put me through. I would forgive the fact that our so-called protagonist is a lousy father and totally unsympathetic character. I would forgive the fact that tanks and helicopters can't take down a Strider, but apparently Tom Cruise with a couple grenades can. I would forgive the fact that each time Dakota Fanning screamed, I involuntarily squirted a little bit of urine into my pants from the horror.

It was not to be, and unless I blacked out momentarily from the sheer idiocy, the scene was not, in fact, a dream. If I end up an alcoholic five years from now, this movie is at least a little bit to blame.

Gone In 60 Seconds

0.5 out of 5 stars

What is the one reason we tolerate all the horrible plots, awful dialogue, and wooden acting in movies revolving around cars? Why, it's because we get to watch cars run into each other! So if you're going to make one of these movies, which element should you NOT remove? I'm no expert, but I would go with 'cars running into each other.'

To this day I am at a loss for why anyone thought it was a good idea to give this movie a plot stipulating that none of the sexy cars the characters drive can be smashed to smithereens. That was all it had going for it. Instead all we get to see is some police cars hitting scenery, and everyone one of those is followed immediately with a shot of the bumbling policeman appearing from the wreckage unscathed. Because, y'know, if someone got hurt, Nick Cage might be morally responsible (gasp), and how could we root for a washed-up felon then?

This movie also subjected me to the worst scene involving dirty talk and car parts I have ever witnessed. Really just one of the worst scenes of any type. It's been about five years, and I'm still angry.

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