June 26, 2009

Movies I Hate: I, Robot and S.W.A.T

I have only one "Top Ten List" on Netflix, and it is titled Movies I Hate. The description reads, "Not just movies I strongly dislike. Movies I wouldn't piss on to put out a fire." Here are two more from that list. Enjoy.


0.5 out of 5 stars

I'm actually not entirely sure I've seen this movie. It's hard to tell if I was somehow strapped down and forced to watch it, or if I just ate a bad chicken salad sandwich, went catatonic for a couple hours, and woke up to a preview showing on TV. I'm pretty sure the two experiences are comparable, right down to the taste of expired chicken left in my mouth by the end. All that I can come up with is vague recollections of explosions, shooting, and guns. I assume there were some protagonists and antagonists involved, but they were so forgettable the movie would likely have gone up in quality without them. Sometimes I worry that it's not normal to be missing such a large chunk of time from my memory like this. But mostly I just worry that I actually got tricked into watching this movie. Given the choice, I think I'd take food poisoning.

I, Robot

0.5 out of 5 stars

Well, here it is. The stinkiest stinker. The crappiest crapfest. The travesty of all travesties. If movies were animals, this would be the tapeworm. How not to make a successful movie: First, take the work of a greatly respected science fiction author. Next, spew vomit all over it. Now, feed that mess to your dog and hire some two-bit hack to make up a script that is, in fact, a disgrace not only to Isaac Asimov's collection of short stories, but to all writers everywhere. Finally, to add insult to injury, plaster blatant product placement everywhere, just to make clear exactly how little you respect the moviegoers who have made the unfortunate mistake of wandering into your film. And there you have it! I, Robot. If there is a convincing argument for why humanity will not survive another millenium, this is it. And that's not because we will design killer robots that will turn on us, it's because a society that actually condones sewage like this is in moral decline. Heck, the robots would be doing us a favor. Look for an exciting matchup sometime later this year, as I, Robot's right to the title of "worst movie ever" is challenged by a newcomer, I Am Legend, also starring who else but Will Smith.